Stop Refereeing Your Kids Fights

May 20

If you’re the parent of multiple kids, you might find it even tougher to raise a child with ADHD.

It’s frustrating to have your kids taking their frustrations out on each other and acting impulsively with mean words and physical aggression. It can be normal for kids to fight as often as 4 times per hour. And the closer siblings are in age, the more normal it is to have frequent conflict.

As a parent, it can be tough to know when you should intervene in your kids fights. Should you step in every time that there is an argument or only some of the times? And what are you supposed to do in the moment that they’re arguing?

The good news is that as kids get older, sibling fights will lessen. But for some tips to increase sibling cooperation right now, try out the following tips.

Intervene in the case of physical aggression

I like to let kids work out most of their arguments themselves, except for if there is physical aggression involved. In situations where there are concerns about a child’s safety, it’s important to of course intervene and to try and find ways to separate them. When you do intervene, do so in a neutral way to avoid escalating the situation even further.

Notice the moments where positive interactions occur

Giving praise during the times where your kids are cooperating is a good strategy for helping them get along more in the future. You can focus on praising positive times in which they are sharing, cooperating, getting along nicely, and more. Any time that you notice these moments, you should focus on praising them.

Avoid getting into the they started it arguments

If both kids are fighting each other, try to refrain from getting into an argument with them about who started it. Plus, most of the time, there are faults on both sides. If you find that there are a lot of these arguments, it can be helpful to use an automatic consequence for each sibling.

Try using prompts to sort out problems

One helpful skill for helping kids learn to sort out their problems is by offering suggestions. When there is an argument, start off by defining the problem (Example: “It seems like you both want to play your own video game but we only have one TV to play on”). Then help them come up with solutions with a suggestion (Example: “What do you think we could do in this situation?”). Help them problem-solve these situations and praise them for the solutions they come up with.

When to Seek Support

Seeking support through a psychologist or parent coach for sibling fights can help with support that is individualized to your family. If you find that the fights between your siblings are increasing and happening every single day, it may be time to look into support, such as through a group parenting program.