Talking to Your Child About Death: An Age-By-Age Comparison

Death, and the grief that often comes with it, is a difficult thing for anyone to process.

As an adult, though, you understand what death means and its accompanying feelings.

For children, death can often be more confusing.

It’s hard for kids — especially young ones — to understand the finality of death or grasp the concept that a loved one won’t be returning to them.

When you’re a parent or caregiver, it’s important to tread lightly as you talk to your child about death.

Using age-appropriate language and ideas will not only help them understand but will keep them comfortable while allowing them to work through grief in their own way.

With that in mind, let’s cover a few strategies for talking to your child about death at different ages.

Children Under Two

You might think you don’t have to speak to young children, like toddlers, about death.

But, even if they aren’t fully able to understand this kind of loss, it’s a good rule of thumb to let them know about it, especially if it’s someone they regularly see.

• Try talking about death in different areas of life.

• Point out a dead bug on the window ledge or dead leaves in the fall.

• While it might not seem like the most pleasant topic of conversation, it can help your child connect the dots as to what death really means.

• When it comes to losing someone close, keep your statements short and declarative.

• Saying something like, “Grandma won’t be here anymore; she died” is a good way to approach young kids. Leave the details out for now.
  

Children Up to Eight

Kids this age are naturally curious, and if they know someone has died, they’re likely to have a lot of questions.

While you should answer those questions as well as you can, it’s still okay not to go into great detail.

You might find that your child focuses a lot on death at this age if they’ve lost someone they love.

Don’t automatically assume this is some kind of trauma response.

It’s normal for kids at this age to focus heavily on new information.

Maintain the conversation, let them know it’s okay to ask questions and try to “normalize” death as something that isn’t scary or mysterious.

Children Ten and Up

By the age of ten, your child might be less likely to ask questions about death openly.

Unfortunately, they might be internalizing those questions and thoughts, making them anxious and confused.

It’s important for your child (or teen) to know they have someone they can talk to.

• They don’t have to understand their grief or go through it alone.

• While privacy matters at this age, let them know that if they don’t want to talk to you about what they’re feeling, they should be talking to someone.

It’s also essential that your child have some sense of control at this age as they’re dealing with the concept of death.

• Consider creating a memory box of the person they lost or giving them a piece of jewelry that person owned.

• It can make them feel connected and grounded.

If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how to talk to your child about death, or your older child doesn’t want to open up to you, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional.

Therapy can help your child better understand their feelings and learn how to process them in healthy, effective ways.

It can also be a great way for you to work through the grieving process yourself since you’re also carrying the weight of others on your shoulders.

Contact us for a consultation soon.